Today I thought I’d talk to you all about my hatred of horses.
The goddamn horses.
I’ve alluded to my fear of all things equestrian before, but I don’t recall ever going into much detail about it. I just don’t like them.
They’re so BIG!!! Why does an animal need to be that big and muscular? They’re like the bruisers of the animal kingdom! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate them just because they’re big. I have no problem with large animals for the most part; I would totally hang out with a giraffe if the opportunity presented itself.
It’s their faces. Their long ass faces. Have you seen those mouths? I heard about a kid once who was feeding a horse a sugar cube and the thing bit his hand off like a boss and then had the cojones to ask for another cube. Maybe I just totally made that up, but I think my point is still valid. Their teeth are terrifying. When I was little my parents took my siblings and I to a state fair where horses were featured in a little petting zoo coral type operation, and they paid for me to climb on top of one of the beasts and do a few laps around the yard. I was absolutely petrified. I just sat on top of it, knowing at any minute it could whip that massive head around and tear into me with those chompers. It probably could have severed my jugular if I’d gotten too close.
And those eyes! They’re like dinner plates! And they’re so dark and deep and soulless. They’re like pools of black death. You can just see the sinister thoughts racing behind those globes. Before I moved in with gamma I lived with my parents, who happened to live right across from horse trainers. Every day I would walk to the end of my driveway and wait for the bus to come take me to school, and every day there would be a crowd of horses across the street, just staring at me. Not moving, not making any noises, just staring me down and swishing their tails menacingly. I would try to just ignore them by staring at my shoes, but I could feel their collective gaze burning into me.
Black Beauty? More like Black the Ripper (I’ve taken the liberty of creating an artist’s rendering of Black the Ripper. Click here if you think you think you can handle it.).